“I am not interested in money. I just want to be wonderful.” - Marilyn Monroe
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot. Hopefully by the time this is published my mind has eased a little bit.
I’ve been thinking about what my next move is going to be...and the move after that.
My anxious mind has been running wild because I don’t know where I’m going to be ten years from now. I don’t know what career I want to dedicate the rest of my life to. With that, I don’t know what I should be chasing right now. I’ve never dreamed of opening a million dollar business or was never enter selling my soul for fame.
My anxiety’s been beating me down, telling me that I need to make a decision that will determine the rest of my life RIGHT NOW or I will never be okay. EVER. But after nearly puking with stress over the past week, what I realized was, I just want to be happy.
You see, money has always been a driving force in my family’s life. On one end, I constantly had to watch my mom living paycheck to paycheck, struggling to pay rent each month, constantly bouncing from place to place. On the other end of the spectrum...my dad had MONEY. He was always there to provide, giving us money when we needed it, and ALWAYS made sure we were taken care of.
However? He was never really around. Which is understandable, I mean, unless you’re a famous Youtuber, working hard and frequently is a requirement to having a lot of money.
I’m grateful to my Dad. If it wasn’t for his hard work, I don’t know where my family would be right now. I’m also incredibly grateful to my mother for always being there and providing us with beautiful memories. I love my parents deeply and because of them, what I want most is to be a mix of the two.
I don’t need a million dollars. I don’t want to work fifteen hour shifts and never get to enjoy life. But I also don’t want to struggle.
What I want is to be happy.
I’ve always been interested in jewelry and money so if God has a plan to help me use that as a way to earn a lot of money, then so be it. But I don’t want to stress over the fact that I’m not making five figures per month or that I can’t take an annual trip to Tahiti.
Would that be nice? Duh.
However, I don’t want to live life - especially my youth - believing that if I I’m “getting by” that’s not good enough. If I have enough money to pay rent and bills without having to worry, can provide for myself, and still have enough money to live life, then that’s fine. I want to spend time with family and friends freely without every second of my day being consumed by work.
Maybe these wants aren’t realistic. Maybe I’m just young, still living at home, and naive. Maybe when I get out on my own I’ll realize how dumb I’m being and instantly delete this blog.
Who knows?
As for now, I don’t want to worry about the future or how rich or poor I’m going to be. As I’m typing this, my anxiety is fighting me but I’m going to say it anyway. I just want to focus on the present moment. How can I provide for myself right now? Whatever else comes, comes.
I’m still trying to listen to my own words. It’s hard, but I’m trying. But no matter what happens, I want to be happy.
Question Time:
What do you imagine when you think about living a happy life?
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